well, at least for me, it seemed that way. this was the year when he took "a midsummer night's dream" everywhere, after his birthday celebrations in kuala lumpur. that april of 1994, the shrine he caused to be created in our midst in brickfields, with the sonorous chanting of the kasi priests every morning from the 7th onwards, the homams, the prayers, the ceremony, the cultural events, from dawn till dusk, and then, over to the pj civic centre for the performance of shakespeare's comedy...
it was the morning of his 60th birthday... he was seated under a canopy of fragrant jasmines, decorated with orange and yellow blossoms. he had been worshipped with love and devotion by everyone who had come. the place thronged with adoring devotees, gazing at this man who had caught all our hearts, won over many, many times by his unsurpassing love for us.
at the beginning of the puja of the morning, swamiji was garlanded with a hugely thick rose blossom garland. when the puja was over, he took the mike, and spoke of me, called me to him, and then, gave me the sweetest honour one could ever ever hope for as his devotee - he put his rose garland onto me. it was moist and heavy, and as i bowed my head to his feet, i knew not what to think, except that here was a moment of which i knew not the reason for.
looking back, thinking back, i believe now that he loved me deeply, knowingly, and wholeheartedly. and there i was, unconscious, unknowing.
will i ever be able to measure his love? get a glimpse of understanding? so that i can be resolutely grateful?
that year was glorious for me because he decided to take "a midsummer night's dream" everywhere. from kuala lumpur, we went to singapore. from singapore, we went to perth. and from perth, we took it to penang. it had never been like that before - the intensity of purpose and performance, its frequency, its all embracing capacity to hold everyone in each centre close to him.
it was glorious because i observed that the production required and necessitated the participation of shiva family members - his devotees who were not dancers but who had been watching all the time, perhaps nursing a secret wish to be able to take part. in this production, every uncle and auntie who had the inclination for the stage was picked, dressed up, made up, given a few tips on stage work as actors, and then, they were plunged into the colour and festivity of a beautiful experience. for the first time, the production gave so many of swamiji's devotees the chance to be in the great centre of his vision and his work. his work of sharing something beautiful but ephemeral that came through from the stage.
in my work with them, the joy in their eyes, the light on their faces, and the laughter that came from their hearts was always something for me to behold in wonderment, in appreciation, and in humility. i began to understand a little about how much he meant to each and every one of them... and the purpose of his presence in their lives.
every centre gave the opportunity to members in that centre to tread the boards of the stage. they thrilled to the costumes, the discipline required of them, the movement on stage. every nerve in their bodies sang to the song of his love, which manifested on stage as this shakespearean production.
in perth, while we were rehearsing in one of the studios of edith cowan university, he had given me a drink of mango juice. seated next to him, he had taken a sip of the fruit drink, and then he gently nudged me with the drink in his hand. i took it and, wordlessly, drank the whole thing.
was there another time that he had given a drink to someone else?
at that time, sujatha, arriving from singapore for the performance, was diagnosed with chicken pox. rehearsals went on. as the performance came to a finish, kalidasan, who was staying with me in dr bose's house, went down with the pox, too. i had never had the pox, and i was a little anxious.
nothing happened.
the show went to penang. but swamiji had to be in madras for a little while, and we had to make the necessary preparations for the show without him.
one afternoon, in the hall, as we were rehearsing, swamiji arrived. we jumped with joy, and quickly gathered around him, looking at him eagerly, so pleased to see him again. he started to tell us that while he was in madras, he felt that he was going to come down with chicken pox as well! but he had quickly taken some medication, and then, he smiled and looked at me deeply for an instant: i felt he was telling me something without saying it. "i would not get the chicken pox!"
in my mind, i said "thank you, swamiji."
when the show finished, and we returned to kuala lumpur, it was ganesh who came down with the pox and he was down for three weeks!!!
i knew then that he had protected me from suffering, and then, gave it to ganesh who was strong and sure.
this is how i remember his love. my swamiji who loves me.
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