this july, i finally took a flight to coimbatore, with my family, to see what, in many ways, i had not wanted to see. the shrine at which my beloved swamiji is buried. he passed on last year on july 27th. he had been ill for quite a while - for a few years - and in those years, i saw him waste away, diminish in strength and vigour, but up till the very end - at least until january 2005, he continued to give of himself to us at the temple of fine arts. he had little energy left but he went on with his work. he had just returned from a trip to new jersey, usa, to show us off there at the lincoln center with a colourful performance of our talents in dance and music. i did not go.
the day he returned, i had opened the car door for him, and it was an emaciated swamiji who came back to me. in february, he left for coimbatore for a battery of tests, and to rest. and then we kept getting news of his trials at the hospital - going in and out of the intensive care unit.
for his birthday in april, he insisted that it would be celebrated his way. when we arrived at the airport, he was there. in a wheelchair to welcome all of us. he was weak and sick from the journey, but he said he had to come, to welcome us, to see us arriving there for him. but the fact was, he was there for us. he told me that each time the car he was travelling in was jostling over a bump or a hole in the road, his innards would come loose. it was with this discomfort that he had come to the airport to receive us.
at his birthday celebration, there were many people and there were many performances dedicated to him, but it was clear that he was finding it increasingly difficult. foolishly believing that i could "make" him better, i made him a concoction of red dates, thinking it would boost his energy. i knew it would be of no use. it was just my desperate offering of my love and affection. at the back of my mind, i thought perhaps, even as he was slipping away from me, from us, he would remember me.
so we returned to kuala lumpur believing that we could carry on as usual with our lives.
i never saw my swamiji again.
